The Worst Things to Do During an Argument, According to Experts

Stay Calm and Communicate with Care

Arguments with loved ones can be upsetting, but there are constructive ways to work through disagreements. This article provides tips from experts on avoiding unhelpful conflict resolution approaches, instead focusing on compassionate dialogue.

Don’t Make Personal Attacks

Criticizing the other person or name-calling, even if you feel angry, will likely only make them defensive. As marriage therapist Dr. Sue Johnson explains, “Blame and personal attacks threaten the other person’s sense of self.”

Don’t Dwell on the Past

Brining up past issues that have already been resolved will not be productive. “Stay focused on the present conflict so you can work toward a resolution,” suggests psychologist Dr. Eli Finkel.

Don’t Demand an Apology

Forcing the other person to apologize often backfires. As Finkel explains, “Demands for apologies make the other feel controlled.” A sincere apology must come freely.

Don’t Expect Agreement on Everything

We all see things differently, and that’s okay. Pushing too hard for the other person to agree with your views entirely almost never works. “Accept there will be disagreements,” says marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman. “Strive to understand each other.”

FAQ

What is the worst thing to do in an argument?

Personal attacks, bringing up past issues, demanding apologies, and refusing to accept disagreements tend to be the least constructive approaches during conflicts with loved ones.

How can I argue more effectively?

Stay calm, speak respectfully, listen to understand the other perspective, compromise where possible, and focus on resolving the current issue rather than attacking the other or dredging up the past.

Should I apologize even if I don’t think I was wrong?

You should only apologize if you sincerely feel remorse and want to make amends. Forced apologies won’t mend the relationship. Accept that you may need to agree to disagree at times.

What should I not say during a heated argument?

Avoid name calling, hurtful sarcasm, dismissive language, threats, accusations, or criticism of the other’s personality or past actions. These tend to escalate tensions rather than lead to resolution.

How do I reconnect after an intense argument?

After emotions have cooled down, try having a caring dialogue where you make an effort to calmly understand each other’s perspectives, validate feelings, take responsibility for your own questionable actions, find common ground, and reaffirm your commitment to the relationship.